it's one of my last nights of summer and i'm sitting alone on my porch because the weather is so nice. for some reason the thought of my old livejournal came to mind and i thought, "what the hell, why not go read it?"
i can't believe how much has changed in one year.
it's like my life took a complete 360. as i was reading through this, i had to say to myself, i always write about the good, and cover up the bad, like i don't want anyone to know what's really going on. but it's not like that anymore, i don't have to cover anything up because i don't have anything to cover up. i finally stopped kidding myself into believing everything was okay when it wasn't. i stopped blaming myself for everything that was going wrong when i shouldn't have been the one at fault, but i'm not one to want to lay the blame on anyone. i learned more about myself this year than i ever have. for anyone who doesn't know what i'm talking about, i'll briefly explain. my past relationship was really becoming a strain on me, we were arguing over every little thing there ever was to argue about, and it usually stemmed from something i was doing wrong. i stopped feeling loved, i stopped feeling cared for, so i ended it, before anything else could further hurt me. sure, it was hard at first but i started caring about myself rather than others, and it was exactly what i needed. time for myself. time for figuring out what i was doing with my life. and i don't mean care for myself in the way that i didn't give a shit about anyone else. i just needed to pay attention to myself more, instead of bending over backwards for what everyone else wanted from me. in the end i think i made the right decision for both joe and myself. the hurt is gone now, and both he and i have moved on with our lives down separate paths that seldom cross for a brief catching up conversation, and that is all.
the path i chose has brought me nothing but happiness throughout this year of 2010 so far. it took me so long to realize it, actually, more like admit, that i had someone special in my life for a year and a half prior to this one and to actually make something of it. i put alex through hell several times and he still cared about me throughout everything that happened involving him in my past relationship. he has the patience of a saint for putting up with all my crap, and i'm so glad i came to my senses and gave him the chance he deserved. it's probably one of the best decisions i've ever made. we started dating in february, and i could not ask for a more perfect guy. we've just got to do so many awesome things this year so far, and it's only been 6 months since we've gotten together. he brought me to atlantic city for my 21st birthday (which is like a rite of passage, yanno, drinking and gambling and all the 21 things to do.) and we've gone back a few other times as well. we went to cape may with val and stacy in march, beer mountain with a bunch of his friends in april, (read on for more info) i brought him to hershey park for his birthday in july, and wildwood for a weekend earlier this month. aside from that, we've had a bunch of fun nights doing random other things like going to the bar or hanging out in whoever's backyard or just watching tv. i've made a bunch of new friends, the group of people that alex usually hangs out with really welcomed me with open arms (and a ton of verbal beatings) but meeting and getting to know new people as awesome as they are has been a real exciting and fun adventure. i always look forward to hanging out with everyone.
aside from things on the social scale, my grades in school are much better than they were last year, i worked really hard this spring semester and even though i wanted to rip my hair our most of the time the end result of my final projects were just awesome. i've got one year of college left, and even though i have no idea what i'm going to do with the degree i'm currently earning, i am seriously considering a culinary school for pastry art. i've gotten the chance to experiment more with cake and cookie decorating this year, and it's something i really have a talent and passion for. i keep reading about schools in the city and i'm now in the contemplation stage as to how i'm going to afford it. the only problem i've had this year lately has been my job repeatedly screwing me over and over... like with my raise, and a new position i was supposed to have. i don't really worry too much about it because work isn't my main concern, school is. it's just the fact that the job i have at staples is very flexible with the hours i have for school and i'm very comfortable there, so i can't really worry too much about what i'm doing for work until school is over next year, although i have been considering trying to apply in a bakery to get a look at what working in one would be like if that's what i decide to do with my life in the future. in my down time i've gotten to do more things that i like to do for myself, such as reading, and arts and crafts and stuff. it had been a while since i'd gotten to do stuff like that since i was busy catering to everyone else. but sometimes i need the relaxing night by myself in my room. it's definitely good for keeping myself sane, ha. (even though i'm ridiculously behind on my scrapbooking... i'm still in 2007. woops!)
so there it is, my recap of 2010 so far. some of my best friends will be turning 21 soon so i'll be able to bring them out to more places and have more adventures. one more year of school till i'm done at montclair. lots of new opportunities to do new things with alex and friends always popping up every day. i used to be really scared of the future and taking chances, but if things keep going on like they are now, i don't think i'll ever have that problem anymore. :]